The Privilege of Being a Therapist

The thing one hears when you are a therapist. Your client's thoughts and feelings come out fast and furious, the pain, the suffering, the family crisis, and the marital dysfunction. I hear about the nightmare boss, their troubled children, and their aging parents. You name it and I have heard it. I sit, I listen, I take it in, I nod, I process, and I hold it. I hold their pain, I hold their suffering, I try to make sense of their world and help them put the pieces together. I reflect, I reword, I educate, I support, I challenge their lack of self-love, and I hold them (emotionally of course).

The abuse they endured, the cancer that they suffer with, the dying that faces them. The loss and grief of love lost, the effects of verbal abuse, the stress of caregiver burnout, the fear of impending dementia. The list goes on and on. And what of the therapist—not just me but the many out there day in and day out listening, taking in and absorbing the pain, absorbing the horror of their experiences.

What about the horror of our own experiences? I have always said no one gets into the helping profession accidently, as a matter of fact I think the best therapists have had or have plenty of pain and suffering. Plenty of the loss and grief, plenty of dysfunction, and claiming it all is what makes us great therapists. We claim that we have pain and suffering and we hold it, that we normalize what we are going through and that we have self-love and compassion through it all.

We are all climbing some mountain some are taller and more complicated than others. The climb might be slow or fast, we may slip down, we may even fall many feet, but we continue the journey. As a therapist I climb a mountain everyday and my clients need to know that we all have a mountain to climb. We have work to do and growth to happen. Obviously they don’t need to know the details of our climb as the work is about them, not us.

So what are we to do with all the stuff we hold? What shall we do with all of the pain and suffering in our lives, mine, theirs, yours? We can scream and holler, we can be unhappy and cry like a baby—and then we act with more love and more compassion.  We can act as if we were holding an infant crying out of loneliness, hunger or pain. We hold, we acknowledge, we let it be and then we act. We act with love, we act with passion, and we act with commitment.

To Touch or Not To Touch: That is the Question

This week I was at a breakfast of local business leaders and owners. I am going to be vague as to the location and who the folks were as this was just my observation and not the people this happened to.

The head of the organization was eagerly welcoming new members into the fold when she put her arm around one man and straightened his tie, in an awkward move, along with the lingering hand slide down his arm. There were a couple of other moves on at least one other man in the room. I saw this and felt uncomfortable right away. I mentioned this to a fellow co-worker who was present with me. My words were “if this were a man doing the same thing to a woman we would have been all over it”, at first she protested, but then she observed it for herself. As women we hold men accountable but fail to observe and hold ourselves to the same standard.

With #metoo, anti bullying campaigns and other inappropriate behavior, why are we having physical contact at all right now, especially touching in a condescending manner (your tie is not straight enough and “your arm is so muscular”). As a long-time psychotherapist I have always had limited or no physical contact of any kind with my clients. I no longer work with children, but when I did, I used touching judiciously as this could be a therapeutic mind-field.

Currently in my clinical private practice I shake new clients’ hand upon meeting them and saying good-bye for the first session. After this point physical contact almost never happens again. I say that, though currently I have an elderly client is so delighted about our work together, she comes in for the hug at the end of each session as I walk her to the door (I almost always walk my clients to the door). I remember the first day it happened after our first session together. We connected right away and she felt comfortable and was pleased to be there. We were near the door, she looked at me and then asked is it okay and I think I nodded and we hugged. It had been years since I had touched a therapy client in this way. I know there were days when I was working in a cancer center as a social worker that I would get some unexpected hugs after sessions, or meetings with patients and families. They were so grateful it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

So when is physical contact not natural and when does that touching go beyond gratitude and connection? When does it get creepy? When does the contact feel bad? That is for each person to figure out, so maybe the men at the meeting did not feel awkward or uncomfortable all. Maybe it was just me.

Why Sometimes We Should be Attached to Our Mobile Device

So in my most recent blog post I discussed at some length the pit falls of mobile phone dependency. I hesitate to use “addiction” just yet, though it is a terrible problem worldwide. But sometimes we actually really need to look at our phones—case in point as to why I had brunch alone this week at a sit down restaurant. Now, mind you I have eaten many times alone in a “sit down” place, getting the usually shout out “table for one” along with the pity nod, you know the look!

            Brunch plans with an old friend were laid in place just at the beginning of the week without any words being spoken, mind you I am 60 and my brunch date is 71, though we still did not speak. We texted time and location and how excited that we were able to plan it so flawlessly. However, as they say the best laid plans…

            I had a work meeting from 8:30 AM-10:00 AM and the phone was away from me and on silent—remember I am trying to detach from it, put it out of my consciousness at least while we are meeting and this case having an amazing yoga lesson. Having been so relaxed by the yoga session, I never pulled out the device, weird I know. To bad too, because after driving around looking for a spot, pumping quarters into the meter and then nearly falling on my behind on some hidden ice, I pull out the device as I approach the restaurant, a text which read “I am feeling woozy this am..I did not sleep well..could we postpone until another day or next week please”? Darn…

            There have been other times I should have been looking at my e-mail on the weekend, instead we missed the first act of the opening night of the Lyric Opera of Chicago—had I only looked at my device we would have not had to watch from the lobby. Had I looked at my device I would have noticed that my credit card company blocked me from buying a photo scanner thinking it was fraud and frankly a few other times.

            I guess what I am saying is there must be a middle ground between being addicted to my mobile device and virtually ignoring it. None of these things were life changers, but maybe one day it could be.

Tech Reduction Program: Finding Balance in a Digital World

Are you ready to stop filling your life and your mind with whatever pops up on your smartphone? Are you ready to free yourself of the time-sucking activity of being attached to that said smart phone? Do you want to be looking out into the world instead of down into your hand? Then keep reading for just few ideas on how to start.

If you have recently been in a fast-food chain you have probably seen the calorie count listed next to the item you want. You might have ignored it, or it may have helped you make a healthier choice about what you are about to consume.

When you ordered your last craft beer you might have been conscious about the alcohol content—either for better or for worse. In any event, you took notice what you were putting into your body and mind. However, on the 150th time you picked up your smart phone yesterday you probably did not take notice in deciding what you wanted to take into your body and mind.

Now maybe you don’t look at your smart phone that often, but I am betting that you do unless you are consciously trying not to, or you may even be looking at it more. Every time a buzz, a ding or a ring comes through, it is begging you to “look at me, look at me”. But not only do you look, you stay looking, on its time, not yours. You did not choose to see what the breaking headline is, it chooses for you. Yes, it’s true you can keep all your alerts on and see very Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and virtually any other of the hundreds of apps that you have on your smartphone. So you are choosing to be interrupted, to be moved away from what you are doing, moved away from your spouse, your children and even, yes, your dog, when on that last walk you went on when you tripped over the sidewalk because you were looking at the latest video on Instagram.  

But “they” can’t make us (I am just as vulnerable to this scourge as the next person) leave them on, every one of our alerts can be turned off—we just need to want them to be turned off. We just need to get over our fear of missing out, get over our constant need to know and start looking at the “calorie count” or the “alcohol content” on our mobile devices. We must start paying attention to what we are putting into our minds and our bodies. It’s not just the alerts that keep us on the device, but the beautiful and vibrant colors on that amazing screen right? It is so beautiful we keep looking and looking some more.

There is help. In less than fifteen minutes you can turn off all your alerts (depending on how many apps you actually have), you can turn off those vibrant colors in a minute or two and boy is that ugly, a black and white screen does not keep you engaged for very long. (I admit, when I do want to take a look at Instagram pictures I turn my color back on).  

I am not demonizing our mobile devices. We need them and think we can’t live without it. We need it to get around town, to check email, to see when the bus is coming, to see the latest sales, to check the time and weather, to take a picture and on occasion we might need to make a call.

Putting the device down gives us an opportunity to take a look at the world, to see the people right in front of us, to see the beauty of a sunny brisk day, to see our loving spouse and our children, to see where our dog just did its business so we can pick it up. But mostly so we can live again in a non-digital world just for part of our day, just for a moment or two being with ourselves, our thoughts, or inner experiences, our observations, and our humanness.

Are You Getting the Life You Want?

This is a question I ask my clients on a pretty regular basis. I not only ask my new clients at their first few visits, but ongoing through our therapy together. In addition to clients, I ask myself this question on a regular basis.

            The answer I usually get is “I don’t know, or no and that is why I am here.” Whether they are in an unfulfilling relationship, a career that does not make them a good employee or they feel depressed or anxious about living, the question allows them to take a critical look at their life.

            I try to take a critical look at my own life periodically. Not the “am I happy?” question necessarily, but am I living the best way I can question. Am I doing things that move me closer to my values? Or instead of the word values, we can simply say, “What or who is really important to me”?

A values assessment begins the process of therapy. We live our life on a number of domains. Some of these domains are family, health and wellness, religion/spirituality, intimate relationships, community, parenting, employment/career, and more. I will often give my clients a worksheet with the values and a space to write in what the value would look like. Sticky notes on your living room wall work great too.

If I assess my highest value is family, I ask am I being the kind of family member I want to be? Am I carrying my fair share? Am I present and connected with my family? If health and wellness is at the top of my values list, am I active daily? Am I eating healthy much of the time? Am I out playing with the kids and spouse (a twofer here, with the value of family and the value of health and wellness.)

The important point is that values are not goals or tasks. This is an important distinction, as living a valued life does not mean checking off each item as you do it. It’s really about taking action and moving toward those listed values, assessing what your life looks and feels like. Of course this does include tasks or moves. For example, if you want to be a good family member we might want to carry our fair share. For some of us (uh, me) that might mean picking up your room and not leaving stuff all over the place.

Simply, we continue to make moves towards our values, though we always will make moves away from our values as we are flawed and imperfect human beings and that is the best part.

Our Collective Lottery Fantasy

So I freely admit that I got caught up in the Powerball frenzy, admit it that you did as well. As you have probably guessed by now neither of us won. But someone won this time probably more than one “someone” as we know right now. In addition a number of “other someones” won some chump change in the drawing last night, you know just a million or two.  So what are we all really going through “the day after”? Besides the few lucky, (or are they?) winners, what are we really thinking or really feeling.

I will tell you I really thought at some point last night that I had the lucky winning ticket (because it wouldn’t be a fantasy if you doubted it would it?) I carefully chose my numbers for only one ticket and then quick picked the rest—all twenty dollars worth. The numbers I chose were mostly ages of my aging family as I noticed high numbers were calling—and the lucky power ball number—22 the age of my only child. If anyone could bring me luck it would be her but I digress. 

In my fantasy of the winning ticket, I had no idea what I would do with the winnings. I don’t have great debt, I make a decent living and I just wrote the last tuition check for the said 22 year-old. Would I quit my recently reopened private psychotherapy practice, would I stop looking for speaking engagements, would I stop looking for way to make change in the world? Or would I use my vast winnings to make major change in the world?

So here is the problem with money—it has no value unless you spend it. This is a theory that I heard from my brother who said he read it somewhere (I found this idea in an article by Mungai Kihanya in the Daily Nation, July 25). It goes something like this: Money has no value just sitting there—you must do something with it, pay your rent, buy things, donate it or just give it away. The value is in what you get for your money, not the money itself. Now I know what you might be thinking “are you crazy”? “Did you never take a business or economics class?” You invest your money so you can make more money goes the wisdom of wealth management, but you still have the same problem, all that money you just made on the investments still has no value until you do something with it.

So frankly, the winners of the Powerball, no matter how many there are, cannot possibly spend all of that money, and remember it is useless unless you do something with it. My sympathy goes out to the unlucky winners of the Powerball last night. 

Slow Down “There’s No Time to Rush”

I wish I would have made up the above remark—but I did not. I do however try to adhere to it everyday, though I am not always successful. Even in Simon and Garfunkel’s iconic 1966 hit, 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin’ Groovy), they address this problem of rushing and not “making the morning last”. Why are we rushing here, there and everywhere? Especially this time of year everyone seems to be in overdrive when it comes to rushing. I find myself rushing sometimes even when I am not in a hurry.

I have always moved fast, when I was a child my grandfather (affectionately I think) called me “lightening” because I tended to move so fast. Many a doctor told my mother “her engine runs high”. No other labels back then, just a fast kid.

This speed has worked for me over the years. It has given me high ratings at jobs, “gets a lot done in a short amount of time”, “always stays busy”, etc. You get the picture. The only place this high speed has really not panned out is in my marathon running, but I digress.

My daily goal is to be mindful and present, really experiencing life. I have saved so much time by slowing down. Being a new behavior for me there is a steep learning curve that I still deal with daily. Where on earth did I lay my phone this time? This is just an example of me still working on slowing down, leaning to be present and mindful.

So let’s make a pact that we will slow down and be present. Unloading your dishwasher, cooking your meals, driving your car or whatever else you have on your list today—be present and be mindful of your task at hand. Be engaged, be connected, remember where you got that hundredth mug you just unloaded from the dishwasher, connect with the memory as you put that next ornament on your tree, and be in contact with your experience, taste your food even after the first few bites.

Slow your speaking, your thinking and your actions. You would be amazed at how much time you save by not rushing. Make your morning last.

Hold Yourself With Love and Compassion

After nearly six years of working with women with breast or gynecological cancer there was not a day that went by that I did not end a conversation with the above words: “hold yourself with love and compassion”. But before I said that, I had two other strategies that I offered pretty much all my patients on the first or at least the second visit with me.

The first strategy I offered women who were going through cancer especially initial diagnosis, starting chemo, contemplating breast surgery or at any other time during the cancer experience was “stay in the present, stay in the here and now”. Along with staying present I encouraged them to live mindfully during this time. Live mindfully with your spouse, your children or other family and friends. Work at paying attention to living right now.

The second strategy was to help them understand about thoughts, our human thoughts the ones that hound us all day and sometimes all night. The thoughts that come to us for no apparent reason, the ones that can drive us crazy. They ARE JUST THOUGHTS. So, think about it, if it really is “the thought that counts” we would be divorced, fired, dead or in jail.

I always ended our sessions with these three strategies and I always wrote them on the back of my business card: Stay present and mindful, be a thought observer and hold yourself with love and compassion. I always ended with “hold yourself with love and compassion” especially if you feel you failed at the first two strategies, I also cover it last because think it carries the biggest impact on our life and is the hardest thing to do. We find it hard to love ourselves and women are especially not good at it even though women are considered the caregivers and “instinctually” wired for caregiving and love. When helping patients understand the need for self-love and compassion I would often use this analogy. “If you treated your children the way you treat yourself, someone would call child protection services on you”. So we know holding yourself with love and compassion is no easy task, but necessary for a full and valued life. Don’t wait for a cancer diagnosis to use three useful strategies to help you get the life you want. Techniques and more strategies to follow.